Pride & Joy. I often subscribe to a life that is filled with neither of these things unto myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of my wife, my kids, my students and even in fleeting moments proud of myself but I am a human that is in perpetual pursuit of growth. So I often do not take the wins in front of me. It takes a very conscious effort to do so. Joy is so similar. It brings me great joy to see my family smile and laugh. It brings joy to see my students grow and for other people to catch the heartbeat of Loved. Valued. Cared For.
But experiencing joy on daily, is not my general disposition. I find myself often stealing joy from myself. Why? How? I excuse my wins and elevate my losses. Does anybody else do this?Just me? Cool cool, cool, cool….
I often exchange what would be a huge lift for a huge rub. If I get a client through a tough wall, I see all the ways I failed them instead of the growth that took place while simultaneous patting them on the back for their effort. This can be valuable, because I always do better the next time, but no win really is felt. If I have a student who finally gets a rhythm or a guitar part clean on the 1,000th try I am so eager to praise, to encourage and reassure, yet I do not do this for myself. I know that all good things take repetition and time. I know that it will be slow and ugly much of the time but I do not give myself that leeway.
Why is that? Am I out for myself? Do I have expectations that are too high? Am I broken? The truth is, I am an enneagram 3. I pursue excellence at scale and will lay myself down for it even though, that is the very thing that will keep me from it; while simultaneously choose to value myself only by what I produce while telling other people they matter and are important for just waking up in the morning. :) Fun times. LOL
I am not broken, I am a human. I experience loss, pain, joy, trauma, happiness and contentment just like you. I think we all steal from ourselves. I think we all have little moments that rob us of a full life so much of the time. What gives me the opportunity to really live is to know where my Identity is found. When I build my identity on what I do, what I achieve and or what I hope to do or achieve, I leave no room for humanness. I leave no room for life. I give all the power to the ether and show up out of duty vs. purpose.
What Is my identity then?
Where is it found?
My identity can be found in the Bible.
• 1 John 3:15: "The Father has loved us so much that we are called children of God. And we really are his children"
Psalm 139: "You are a child of God, you are wonderfully made, deeply loved and precious in his sight"
Deuteronomy 14: "You are children of Yahweh your God"
While this may give you pause, I find great confidence in circling back to this on the daily. I do not have to produce anything to be loved. I do not have to produce anything to be precious. I do not have to produce anything to be wonderfully made. I am already those things.
Because of this, though I steal from myself, I do have the reminder of who I am that calls me back with truth. Sometimes it takes me longer to live in this confidence than others.
Sometimes, I lack hope, joy, peace, love, kindness and self-control.
But this does not change my identity.
So pride & Joy….
I struggle with both.
but….Hope?
I always hope.
I believe the best is yet to come. Not because I know it but because I hope for it. The sun came up today, it will come up tomorrow and just as I can see the sun doing its good work; I see the one who hung the sun and he said that we are his children, that He loves us deeply and are precious in His sight.
That might no be enough for you. It is for me.
So, question…
How do you steal pride & joy from you?
What can you do about that?
Do you hope?
Can you start to hope?
Peace.
Zack Schuyler
CVO: Fortville Music Garage
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